Thought dump addition

DH and I are going for a drive. As I drove the car round to get him another thought struck me about the conversation I had earlier with my psychologist.

We talked about my daughter’s upcoming first birthday party. I surprised myself by wanting to have a party for her with friends and family. My mother is also coming over.  And I am finding the whole thing incredibly stressful. In fact, I don’t know if I can do it. But I feel compelled to.

My psychologist urged me to scale it down or even cancel it. And ignore suggestions to not attend if I don’t feel up to it. What I would be doing there is removing myself from all levels of being important which is a whole other conversation. Normally I would not even have held a party either but for some reason I felt it very important.

She won’t remember it but it matters to me that she can look back and see that I/we did something. That I loved her. I realised as I was driving it’s because I don’t expect to be around. So I need to leave memories for her and me together.

That’s a bit fucked up, I recognise this. I just want to put it down as well so I can revisit this later. I forget otherwise.

Off to enjoy my diet coke break with DH. I think that will help, a nice drive.

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One thought on “Thought dump addition

  1. Parties are stressful. Not only to one-year-olds not remember them, they sometimes are over-stimulated by them. Throwing your daughter a birthday party does not show her you love her. Loving her shows her you love her. Maybe hold off on parties until she is older, can talk, and say that she wants to celebrate with friends or family. My memory of my first birthday is a photo of me in a high chair with a chocolate birthday cake in front of me and cake on my hands and face. Proof I was loved. Simple.

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