DH and I are going for a drive. As I drove the car round to get him another thought struck me about the conversation I had earlier with my psychologist.
We talked about my daughter’s upcoming first birthday party. I surprised myself by wanting to have a party for her with friends and family. My mother is also coming over. And I am finding the whole thing incredibly stressful. In fact, I don’t know if I can do it. But I feel compelled to.
My psychologist urged me to scale it down or even cancel it. And ignore suggestions to not attend if I don’t feel up to it. What I would be doing there is removing myself from all levels of being important which is a whole other conversation. Normally I would not even have held a party either but for some reason I felt it very important.
She won’t remember it but it matters to me that she can look back and see that I/we did something. That I loved her. I realised as I was driving it’s because I don’t expect to be around. So I need to leave memories for her and me together.
That’s a bit fucked up, I recognise this. I just want to put it down as well so I can revisit this later. I forget otherwise.
Off to enjoy my diet coke break with DH. I think that will help, a nice drive.
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