RIP Charlotte Bevan :(

There is always an awful lot of terrible news in the press, with families and friends going through intense suffering and grief. But nothing hit home to me so much as this tragic story of Charlotte Bevan. The moment I heard my heart was sinking, wondering if she had some form of mental health condition that might have led to such uncharacteristic behaviour.

For the latest story, this article covers it:

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/dec/04/baby-girl-dead-body-charlotte-bevan-avon-gorge

My heart goes out to the partner/father and family of the mother and baby. I am really shocked by it all. Whilst details are unconfirmed, it does indeed appear that she lived with a mental health problem of some sort. I won’t talk about this specific case too much as they need to be left in peace, but in general terms this highlights in such a stark way how careful ladies need to be, particularly if you have bipolar, schizophrenia, BPD, depression, or any of the many issues the brain throws at us to deal with.

I blogged earlier on in my pregnancy about the staggering chances of postpartum psychosis and depression in the first couple of weeks after birth – 50% chance, 1:2 ratio – not sure I can make it clearer just how bloody high the risk is of a serious incident – so to see such news above is really terrible.

The lack of sleep, combined with raging hormonal changes, combined with massive fluctuations of medication in your system, combined with the shock of being a new mother, combined with the general grind of living with a mental illness, combined with the sheer physical exhaustion your body has been through these last nine months and then pushing out a baby on top of it all…..these things can’t be underestimated. And NOT ONE person will be able to prepare you for it. It’s just something you have to get through. All I can do is share my experiences and hope it resonates somewhere with someone.

I was under 24 hour watch when in hospital. I was monitored constantly. I couldn’t even go down the corridor 2 seconds without being asked where I was going and if I was ok. I know I haven’t gone into the particulars of the birth, and it isn’t really for this story, but my baby was in intensive care for the first ten days of her life and it was like no other experience I ever want to live through ever again.

Because of this, because of my bipolar, because of the very high chance of an incident, I was never left alone. I had blood tests every day, blood pressure checks four times a day, my lithium was put up to almost double the dosage I had been on, and I was on strong antipsychotics. I had hallucinations, seeing ghostly wisps coming through the curtains of the ICU to take my baby away. I was so close to the verge of physical collapse. I was given Lorazepam which did not work at all as I was so frantically needing to be with my baby. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a night, impatiently lying in bed waiting to be able to get up to go see my baby. I probably could have snuck down to the ICU to see her, but I was under such strict orders to remain in my room and try and get some rest I didn’t want to go to the effort of being challenged. They really were scary, those nurses!

Perhaps somewhat controversially, I was also told under no circumstances was I allowed to breastfeed. I had to remain on my medication to prevent episodes of mania, psychosis or depression at bay. Now, the whole breastfeeding thing is a whole different article and I want to go into that at a different time. But this just again puts it into perspective how, as a new mother,  even when we think we are doing the best thing by our children, it might be better to do something else. It’s terribly hard to go against your instincts and what we are programmed to do. Ultimately, though, it’s the best thing for our babies and for us. They were really hard on me for a reason and, looking back on it, I am grateful as I think it probably kept me alive.

I’m hoping that there is not a chance that the psychiatrists advising this lady would have told her to come off her medication to breastfeed. We have no information on this so I won’t go into it more. What I am appalled by is how a woman with a known history could have been left unchallenged throughout the maternity ward and then out the hospital in such a way. I hope there are some serious questions asked here about how they take care of such vulnerable women and how on earth this was allowed to happen. There has been a major failing somewhere along the line for this to have happened.

No words can express how sad this has made me feel and my thoughts are with the family.

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